


*BLEEP*

by Jarakrisafis



Category: Transformers (Bay Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-17
Updated: 2012-04-17
Packaged: 2017-11-02 02:37:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/364067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jarakrisafis/pseuds/Jarakrisafis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's always something new to find out about the resident aliens. Epps would like to point out that some things are better off remaining unknown.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Epps frowned as he approached the main hanger, while the bots would use english around humans they tended to default back to Cybertronian when they were alone. Except for occasionally being a little on the painful side of a humans audio range, the clicks, beeps and whistles were actually quite melodic. Which was why Epps was approaching the hanger with a clear reluctance underscored by the natural curiosity that all humans seemed to possess, to find out what was going on. 

Ratchet had come to give the wreckers their physical, or whatever the electronic equivalent was; oil change and degreasing? But it sounded like Ratchet was murdering them, what with the beeping descending into bursts of static every so often and the dull clang of metal impacting metal. 

Inching open the human sized door he stopped himself before asking Ratchet what exactly he was doing to receive such a response. 

Because it was Ratchet that was sounding like a dying modem as he struggled beneath the combined weight of all three of the Wreckers. They on the other hand were happily bleeping away like a television profanity filter on crack. 

Even as he was debating whether to call for help one of them managed to pin one of the medics flailing hands to the floor, eliciting a whine of protest that petered out into a sort of engine choking splutter as Roadbuster pried off the armour and started poking at the wiring beneath. 

"Epps?" Okay, so maybe pressing 'one' on his speed-dial hadn't been the best plan, but it was an ingrained reflex to 'alien robots doing weird things again'. 

"Will. You ever heard the bots sound like a cross between a dying cat, a broken modem and a tv without signal?" 

"Can't say I have." He answered before another voice joined the conversation. 

"What exactly is wrong?" Epps would have been surprised, except he had long since become accustomed to bots hacking into unsecured phone calls. Apparently in their culture it was perfectly okay to join an open conversation even if you didn't know the other mechs, the only taboo was hacking into secured stuff. 

Even so, he still jumped a little at Sideswipe's question before glancing back at the pile of sentient static spitting metal in the hanger. 

"I have no idea what the Wreckers are doing to Ratchet but it looks like they are trying to murder him." 

There was silence for a long moment, at least compared to how fast the bots could process things, before Sideswipe spoke again. "I think you've already answered your own question. The Wreckers are doing Ratchet." The click as he signed off was the only sound as the two humans connected the dots. Epps made a strangely Cybertronian exclamation as he tried to say several things at once and instead garbled them all. 

Eventually he managed a rather disgusted: "TMI. I did not need to know that!" which was punctuated by a rising static laden wail from inside the hanger. 

Lennox at least had the decency to pull the phone away from himself before breaking down into hysterics.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epps remembers last years maintenance checks with horror, this year isn't looking much better...

Epps didn't think he would ever recover from the mental scars caused by Ratchets last visit to give the Wreckers their medical checks. But TMI takes on a whole new meaning when the subjects are over twenty foot tall.

As such he had stayed away from the hanger when the inevitable maintenance day came round again.

Well away.

It had been a good plan. Until the Bots decided to exit the hanger.

And by exit he meant leave by way of the door in a vaguely straight line with only minimal stumbling. That by itself was enough to set off alarms in his mind as the bots were very surefooted, being able to put down a foot to within a few inches of a human without any squishing.

Meandering across the tarmac while clicking and whistling in Cybertronian Ratchet and Leadfoot were practically leaning on each other to remain upright. Can robots go crazy? Sort of like a blue screen of death and now they are running in safe mode.

Epps didn't know, but he had a solution that had worked well enough last time.

"What this time?" Lennox sounded amused as he answered the phone. But it wasn't Will that Epps wanted to speak to, it was whichever bots might be listening in.

"Alright anybody on the line, what's wrong with Ratchet and Leadfoot?"

"Nothing's [hic] wrong." Epps pulled his phone away from his ear to stare at it for a moment as the strange static blip in the middle had sounded very much like a hiccup. "In fact [hic] everything is just fandabydozy." It was _what?_ And it was most definitely a hiccup.

"Roadbuster, you're tanked aren't you?" Somebody else put in, possibly Jolt from his speech patterns.

"Jus' a little teensy eeny [hic] bit." Roadbuster confirmed with yet another burst of static.

Epps just sighed, Lennox's laughter echoing in his ear before he ended the call as he turned back to the two bots holding glowing pink cubes of liquid as they wailed and clicked their way through what appeared to be a Cybertronian song in the way only drunks can.

Bed, he decided, he was going back to bed, he'd deal with pissed sentient alien robots tomorrow. Even the ground shaking as at least one of them hit the floor in a clatter of armour didn't stop him from getting to his objective.


End file.
